Tag: cll digestion

CLL: Facing the Fear and Loneliness

I just answered an email from a CLL-buddy who is feeling the fear and loneliness of a CLL diagnosis. She does not want to burden her husband by dwelling on her dark thoughts and worries about CLL, and her friends don’t seem to be any comfort. Of course not! This worries them too, and while they wouldn’t say it to her, knowing that a friend has a potentially fatal diagnosis makes them worry about their own lives, as well as about their friend. So what is a person to do? This was my answer to her:

Dear CLL Buddy,
I do understand how difficult it is to keep a happy face on this when you are so frightened. Eventually, you will feel confidence in yourself and in your health, and you won’t feel so frightened. Believe me, you are not alone in having fear of CLL! Here are a few suggestions that have worked for me.

1. Allow yourself to be frightened or upset for only one day at a time, particularly after a blood test that wasn’t what you wanted.

2. Research. The next day, concentrate on the blood marker that concerns you, and start some research on what you can do about it. Look up supplements and herbs. Make a lifestyle change, etc.

3. Have fun! Find time every day to do something you enjoy that is relaxing and gets your mind off of CLL! Read a book, go to a funny movie, visit with a friend (and not talk about CLL) maybe shopping or an art museum or something that you find fun (and gets your mind off the CLL).

4. Find your own personal meditation. I’ve tried meditation tapes (now they would be CDs or better yet, mp3s). This wasn’t for me, but many people find relief in this. My personal meditation is reading novels or writing, or even drawing. I have sketch books, and I find that when I’m sketching, I’m not thinking of anything but the pencil and sketchbook. I lose track of time. It is wonderful! Think back to childhood and what you enjoyed doing that made you lose track of time. Give yourself a gift of figuring this out, and then act on it!

5. Get a good night’s sleep. Make your bedroom light-proof so you can get a good sleep at night and make your own melatonin. Nothing makes you feel better than a good night’s sleep!

6. A new watchword: you are NOT about to explode! Any doctor that would see you today would send you home and then go about his or her business. You are not in imminent danger! Enjoy today! None of us know if there is a tomorrow (we get hit by the bus, etc., who knows?) So why waste today? Enjoy it! It is a gift you are squandering on worry.

7. Recognize that you can gain control of your health. It wasn’t until I became Macrobiotic (ironically, I am no longer macrobiotic, but still…) that I started to see the control I could exert over my CLL diagnosis. After one month of giving up all processed foods back in 2005, my WBC dropped back to 14, where it had been at diagnosis. While I’ve moved on from Macrobiotics, the lesson learned was that I COULD get control of this CLL thing. Since then, I’ve also learned that healing is all about the gut, the digestive system. Work on your digestion and you are working on your health! I’ve not been able to get to where my blood work indicates I’m CLL-free, but I am back in stage zero.

8. Seek out a therapist. If all of this leaves you worried still, see if you can find a therapist. There is nothing to be ashamed of about this. You are facing down your mortality, and we don’t like to do that. It is crazy-making. Back in 2003 or maybe 2004, I was constantly crying with worry and wondering how my boys would grow into manhood without me there. I worried about my husband. I cried about never meeting grandchildren. And see, all those tears were a waste of energy. That said, I DID see a therapist at that time, and it really helped me.

What I learned from him at that time was that I had to take action. Until that point, I felt like I was a victim; I had this CLL diagnosis and I believed it was too late to do anything about it. Damage was done, and I had to accept my fate. Now THAT was crazy! There was so much I could do, but talking to this therapist helped me see it. 

If you continue to be depressed, please find someone who might help. If they make you feel worse, find a different therapist. But do try all the other items above, first.

And I AM here for you. So please write whenever you need to. I do truly understand. I’m wishing you radiant health and a wonderfully happy day! Love, Denise

PS Writing about your worries here, on the site, really helps others. We’re all in this together!

CLL: How to Eat

living well with cll
Living well with CLL! The author (in red) and some of the family, 4th of July 2018.

Please notice that the name of this article is not ‘what’ to eat, but how. We all think we know how to eat. After all, we’ve been doing this since birth. But sometimes we need a reminder. Let’s start with a scientific fact. Our immune system is strongly related to our gut, also known as our digestive system. Of course, it matters what you put into that system, that is more than true. But as someone who has struggled with digestive problems pretty much her whole life (at least as much of it that I can recall), there is much more to it than the food.

To explain, let me share my Macrobiotic experience. I was diagnosed at stage zero in 2001. In 2005, I was getting increasingly alarmed at my deteriorating blood markers. My platelets were low. My white count was high, and my hemoglobin and red blood count were also worrying. My husband and I did our due diligence and research, and we came up with Macrobiotics. I went to the book store and loaded up on several Macrobiotic texts and cookbooks. We also decided to make a trip over Labor Day to the Kushi Institute in Beckett, Massachusetts, for a week-long class. I believe it was called The Way to Health. (Please note, while I still eat an organic, whole food, mostly cooked-from-scratch diet, I am no longer technically Macrobiotic. Also, the Kushi Institute still has a web site, but they no longer offer the resident classes.)

The first thing I noticed was how the residents were skeletal thin. And many were missing teeth, which was concerning. But I was fighting leukemia here, and if I had to get thin and lose a few teeth in the process, well, that would be the breaks. As it turns out, I did suffer some gum recession and was about twenty pounds thinner than I am these days, but still it was absolutely worth the experience. I learned so much.

One of the first things I learned was to chew my food thoroughly. To count how many times you chewed, chewing until the food in your mouth was liquid — or as close to liquid as possible. To me, this sounded disgusting. But honestly, there is wisdom in this practice. The more work you consciously put into chewing, the less work your digestive system has in order to process your intake each day. When you chew, saliva mixes with your mouthful, adding digestive enzymes to the mix. Yes, those pills you buy in little bottles are naturally available if you just chew, chew, chew.

I’ve recently gone through a spate of serious stomach aches. I’m talking abdominal pain for a 36 hour stretch. Go to bed with a stomach ache and wake up with the same dull ache emanating somewhere from the left side of my waistline and radiating out to other regions of the digestive tract. I felt hunger but was afraid to eat. My husband was out of town on a business trip. I took to the Internet and looked up stomach pain and CLL, learned that it could be related. Of course, this led to a night of insomnia, keeping me from healing. I’m a strong person, but I sometimes also feel the fear.

When my husband came home, I shared my fears. He reminded me about the chewing. It’s so easy to forget. I started out by making myself meals of vegetable miso soup for breakfast, and chicken soup and rice (home made from the freezer, of course) for lunch. For dinner I had a smoothie. Everything I ate was either stewed or mush. Nothing required much chewing, but I chewed nonetheless. I feel better now, back on my regular diet, and I’m obviously very relieved. I was worried it could be the CLL, or my diverticulosis (or diverticulitis) kicking up. I was worried I might end up in the hospital where they would start running invasive tests and wearing down my immune system. (Conventional medicine saves lives, but you must be a careful and cautious consumer!)

But please take note that my main suggestion here is to chew your food well. Sit down when you eat and focus on enjoying your meal. Put a reasonably-sized helping of whatever you’re eating on your plate. Take a look at your plate before you eat and see if you agree that this is enough. Would you think it was enough if you were in a restaurant? That is your clue. Taking seconds will overload your gut and overwork your digestive system. When your digestive system is free from processing that food you put in there, it can work on making you healthy. That’s what IF/intermittent fasting is all about. But that, too, is another article. Just be sure to concentrate on eating while you’re eating. We tend to gulp food while walking around. I’m the worst while I’m cooking, and I’ve resolved not to do that any longer. So eat slowly and mindfully. Put down your fork between bites. Breathe.

So be well, enjoy your food. Eat hearty (but don’t overeat!), and chew, chew, chew!

Wishing you peace and the best of health!